Attachment parenting is a mentality, a lifestyle, an attitude. Breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping, baby wearing – all of them are its important ingredients. It is essential that the mother, her attention and care is not replaced by gadgets.

You don’t give music-playing, singing toys to the baby to help her fall asleep, instead, you sing yourself.

You don’t switch on the TV to let the child watch the puppet show, instead, you play puppets from behind the chair.

You don’t give her a nursing bottle or a soother, instead, you breastfeed on demand. You put her on your breast several times a day, whenever she is hungry, thirsty, tired, moody or when she asks for it for no reason. Even at the age of three or four.

But what happens when something doesn’t work out?

What happens, when it turns out, that we are only mothers, only human? We are superheroines, mystical entities, full of wonders and endless power, this is not a question. We are embracing, soft arms and kitchen gadgets at the same time. Teachers and cleaners, doctors, nurses, drivers and circus clowns. And still: only human.

Something might happen. Something quite human. You get injured or sick. You get tired. You can’t share your attention between three, four kids. You can’t carry your baby because of a severe illness. Or your milk dries up.

The question arises: what do you do, if you can’t carry or breastfeed? You would like to give the baby everything she wishes or needs. Should you hold to your own way and principles, and not give the soother to the baby, when you can’t satisfy her need to suckle any time? Should you let her suffer, or should you help her and give her the soother, going against your principles? This is only an example, but valid for any life situations.

The answer is in my first sentence: Attachment parenting is a mentality. The point is that you satisfy the basic biological and emotional needs of your baby. You don’t let her suffer, just because you can’t give her something essential. When these primal human needs are fulfilled, your heart moves with joy, and both your souls are flooded with happiness. It is very important to see things from the baby’s perspective. Our child’s upbringing is not about us in the first place.

The baby’s need is not to be tied in a stretchy wrap. She would like to be in a close bodily contact, as much as possible, so that she can hear your breath and heartbeat, feel the vibration of your chest, when you tell her, why life is so wonderful since she exists. She wants to be close, to murmur into each other’s ear during cooking or shopping. Babywearing is a tool to satisfy the need for bodily contact easily. It helps both of you to endure without flagging. Snugglebunny can nestle up to you for hours, make herself comfortable, while you make piece with yourself, run your errands, get through home-office work, the kitchen chores and washing.

What if you can’t or don’t want to carry while standing? Wear your baby in a lying position. Cuddle while you sleep, or have a nap with her during the day. Give your baby the opportunity to nestle with his head on your heart, to feel yet again that she is safe in this world, and she isn’t let alone.

What if you can’t or don’t want to breastfeed on demand? Cuddle while feeding from a bottle. Use an infant nutrition dispenser, that you can attach to your breast. It will provide you with intimate and happy moments. Offer the baby her finger, teething toys, a ruggy, of course only by measure.

Don’t use the soother as a silencer, but while cuddling, and with love.

You wouldn’t let your baby run around on the playground or the street with your nipple in her mouth, so don’t offer the soother while your kid is playing, but offer it instead of your breast: to calm her, to help her sleep and discover peace, to establish her psychological balance. Maybe, she can even play with a pacifier in her mouth. Yet if you overuse it, there can be disadvantages. But eventually, emotional suffering and neglecting baby needs can only end badly.

If breastfeeding is normal and natural for a two years old, why couldn’t it be ordinary, that a child, who is not breastfed, has a soother or drinks from a bottle? The urge for suckling lives in every single child. The more natural it is for them, that they can suckle (a soother or a breast), the less inhibitions they develop, and they will give up breastfeeding or the pacifier with confidence, whenever they are ready.

This is a replacement for the mother, indeed. But in the cases when there is no way the baby gets more from her mom, you shouldn’t take the possibility from her to make up for the thing she needs. What matters is that you get to know each other, that you discover your child’s personality, and you find the best solutions for her. And that you adore her, unconditionally – with soother or without!

About The Author: Mariann Hornyak

Mariann Hornyák is mother of Ben and wife to Endre. She lives in the East Midlands in the UK but her babywearing journey started in Hungary, when the little boy was born in 2012. She discovered ways of carrying babies when she worked in Africa in 2010. The simplicity and the way how the children are involved with everything around the family amazed her and she was certain this is how naturally she wants to bond with her own baby. She learnt about slings from babywearing friends who all recommended the Liliputi stretchy wrap as a first wrap with a new baby. This is how Mariann has fallen in love with the Liliputi style. She has explored a little bit further and she tried and used about houndred different baby slings and carriers in the past few years. She has great connection with several wrap manufacturers and carrier makers so she can share information, updates and news from first hand. Mariann launched her own business in April 2013 after realizing that she almost works full time as a volunteer babywearing consultant, however, she completed the course of Babywearing Consultant by Slingababy and also accredited to level 3 by School of Babywearing. Beside running the Baby in Sling Babywearing Consultancy, Mariann writes articles in Hungarian and in English to help mothers find their inner voice, to show parents more options and to give them tools to parent in the way how they really want. She facilitates an attachment parenting group with regular meetings and events, the group is affiliated with the Attachment Parenting UK and has about 170 members. In her previous life Mariann worked for the Food and Agriculture Organisation of the United Nations and also had experience in the for-profit sector. She is educated to Master Degree level, her first degree is International Relation, Foreign Affairs and Security Policy, her MSc is International Economics. She started to prepare for her PhD in Counter Terrorism when she got sidetracked by her new baby. Ben is now 2 years old and he really wants to go to nursery. His chosen place is on a farm in the middle of a forest, so this might mean that Mariann will return to work full time. But she will always remain an author, a writer and a sling consultant for anyone who needs reassurance and some support.